just before the end of shift last night. something came up, a 10 year old patient needs to be transfered to cdo early morning today. its one big irony for us to be delighted on the taught that we will be transfering a patient to another city because our physicians are rather incompetent on the presented case. we are delighted because transporting a patient means money. i had to swipe out early to get some sleep but sleep i didnt get. but then a thought came why slumber didnt visit me, i was too afraid to see the person i ended up seeing in my dreams. i didnt want to see him again frightened that i might not be able to let go. think dead-denny waiting for izzey to get back from seattle grace. pardon the comparison but this is how it is for me now. i wanted so much to lead a zen lifestyle i didnt want a stupid dream hold me back from graspin the now, the present. had i not manage to function daily i would have made a self diagnosis of clinical depression for myself because this thing had been going on for months now. on second thoughts, no, this is no denny/izzey. denny, even for awhile till he died, loved izzey. somehow he stood up and declared war with death just so as not to see a tear roll down her cheeks. he left something for her even after his death. and now he stays beside her as a product of her imagination convincing her that no matter what, he'll stay beside her. what i have in my dreams isnt a tad bit like that. its less tangible as it is in real life. even with this realization, i ask myself, why is it so hard for me to let go?