engr: mukhang nakaunlimited na naman ah. at send to all.

 nurse: I love u? send to all?

engr: malay ko ba. haha

nurse: Ur unbelievable.

engr: ha ha. op kors.

nurse: maybe thats the reason why.

engr: reason why na ano?

nurse: You know what i mean. I cant humor you with a reason why i love u. In fact, i cant even humor u with anything at all.

engr: hala.ang drama.

nurse: Cant do it any other way.

engr: K

adrian: kawawa naman. kawawa naman si ryan.

nurse: its a choice to be in this situation. its a choice that im in love with him. hindi ako kawawa. if i chose to. i can get out of this. itll take awhile. itll take some effort, a lot of effort i mean. bit if theres will, i can. but i decided not to because at some point, i am happy.

today is my third day of bummin around. i had a lot of things in mind: things to do, people to see. but theres this one thing ive been wanting to do. to actualize the early christmas/bday gift for engr. the idea started one lazy night while i was trying to organize my limited dvd collections (tv series here, films there, porns underthebed). i dont know why whenever i see any julia roberts cd im always tempted to feed it on the player and play-away. Closer (julia r and natalie p) yeah yeah. who am i kidding? maybe the urge to play it is really because i wanted to check natalie p out. she's competition. engr is, i think, determined to marry her. the film was good. i remember watchin it first time with marco, if my memory didnt fail me marco had a lot of things to say about it and as what i usually do, i nodded and agreed. the one scene where natalie is gawkin at her own sad image gave me the idea of what to give engr as a present. the movie ended. it felt like theres this lump on my chest i cannot shake off. but i just slept on it.

monday, i went to a friends shop and told him about the idea and if he could help. of course he said yes, he's going to give me a discount (was hoping it will be free). two days after i got hold of the present and i was pleased (oops, blasphemy). i brought it to work and left it there, thought there will be less meaning to the present if i give it weeks early. but knowing me, too excited to make someone feel special, i blabbed about the present to engr. i was hoping he'd also get excited but after a few lines after i mentioned the present, i lost him online, i just stared at his online icon fighting the urge to open up another topic. so there, he knows about the present, i might as well send it already.

thursday, i went to a couple of courier outlets here. theres JRS who turned me down because, they cant ship anything fragile. LBC would take the package granting i would have to get the thing crated. yeah, theres the universe again conspiring against me. downhearted, i sent a message to a friend "san ka na? i need help". she agreed to meet me and as i wait for her and binge on what tree garden has to offer i seriously thought of keepin the present and give it to him personally if i still have a chance. but again, theres no such things as the universe conspiring against ryan... may bukas pa...

i took four days off. its my first day. after going around in circles i had to admit, i cant be this deligent with my job. months ago, its a delight for my supervisors if i get through a week without making absences. but after i got back from my rather long vacation in manila, i decided, if i want to make things happen, i got to have alota dough, so i worked days and night. not like my job will make me any richer if work hard but itll pay for my debts. then the whole hospital drama suddenly got into me. there were gunshot victims, granade blast casualties, mauling and stab victims. i know its a dangerous world out there, but can i really get through life worrying that some of those things might happen to me? getting through everyday life is already making me ill, now i have morbid thoughts everytime i go walking around the city. why would i ever think that being stabbed, mauled, shot or blasted be a possibility? its because i met someone who, even though far-fetched, is capable of doing so. i saw him get really angry and demand for his bodyguards to go get the people who got him to that angry state and bring them where we are so that he could inflict physical pain not even in my nightmare exists. i had to get down on my knees (no pun intended) and beg him to please, for goodness sake, calm down and think over the situation. i had to break down and cry. i had to walk out and hunt those people myself and keep them safe. now, as i relive the incident, if i was in the shoes of those people, will they do what i just did for them? would they get down on their knees, break down and cry, beg for someone to spare me? i had doubts. and my doubts is always never without reason. this things happened only days ago. then i had to still work. walk around the hospital with only two/three hours sleep. i thought ill be able to stand up and fight. again, i was wrong, i need this days off. to collect my thoughts, remind me that the life i had before is still around.

i had waited a couple of weeks before we were able to meet again. he has this schedule only his friends can break into. many times did i try but to no effort can somehow get through. when i found out i was leaving back home soon, i got restless. i need to see him. but how? finally, he offered. dinner daw before i leave.  and if paulo coelho was right about the universe conspiring for you to get what you want, maybe the universe was not on my side that time. i was nursing a fever and to make things worse. it rained. not rain rain. but flood rain. but then theres no such thing as universe against me if i really really want something. so i took a couple of anti-pyretics and headed to makati. powerbooks. yeah, he loves the place so i agreed on meeting him there. might as well love the places he loves. then there was dinner, good thing TGIfridays wasnt that packed or people might think he was dating a charity case. i dont know but i really didnt feel good that day. i didnt feel good inside out so that means physically, maybe i was not on my best that day. but he was there, simple and cofident. i asked him for the second time to please order for us. as he was doing so i was again amazed on how he talked with the person who waited at our table. the first time i brushed it off as maybe pride but this time, i think that was getting-used-to-having-people-wait-at-my-table aura. its one of the reasons why i had second thoughts on should i date this guy again. the metro belongs to him, coffee bean is common place, powerbooks is home and greenbelt is a playground. but hell cares, when i first saw him, i knew, he's going to break my heart. might as well jump and experience it than wonder all my life how it feels to have my heart broken by someone like him.

lets go back to the details of that night. this time, not like the first date, when i look back on that day i remember things. how he took pictures of me and how i failed to take pictures of him. how i told him i was on the wrong side of the table (i was supposed to sit by his side just like the other ex-men couple who is, according to him, is also on a date.) how i wanted to grab his hand under the table but decided against it for he might think im pervert. how we, aherm, walked under the pouring rain sharing his umbrella. if not for him i would have cursed the heavens but he was by my side, his hands brushing mine, nothing else on earth could matter. i wanted to wrap my arms around him and protect him from the rain (he said later on he wanted to hold my hand but there was someone at our back). how we argued on who's to take the cab first. i won and saw him get into his cab home, but after seein him leave, thoughts on how it will feel like to be the one to leave lingered. i should have took that cab coz maybe, even fleeting, ill feel the contentment on getting ahead and not look back.

we met online. traditional. i used to keep this online social circle account. the usual, i browse on the faces and see if there is anyone distinct than the anime looking guys who doesnt know what the true purpose of hair wax is (dont ask me, di ko rin alam). ayun cya, skin head, i was never into them, wide smile, im a sucker for people with one, (think julia r.) and a foreign headline. if knowing how to speak, write and undestand three languages counts as being a linguists i might well be am. thats visayan, tagalog and english (wink). and his headline was french. im not known for my wits by im street smart. so what i did was of course crash on dictionary.com. i translated his headline and answered him back with what the translator engine provided. gotcha! kumagat. i dont know if he was really interested that i know how to speak the language or was he just playing with me. we exchanged lines, and since then i knew, there was something about this person. i dont know how we got into exchanging sms after that. but what i knew was everytime he does the "gandang gabi ryan" stint, i usually get that chuck bass' feeling (yeah, find out). twice, i went to manila and took my chance if maybe we could hang out and finally meet. i was turned down the first time. while on the second, after much coercion, he finally agreed. i once told him that i didnt have a memory on what we talked about when we first met. yeah, i dont know bakit but all that comes to mind whenever i look back on that day was his smile. my fondness for him is now travelling a long way since that day. blue blue caravan.

the following post contains the details i will remember about engr..


i made plans...

but a call is about to be made...

it will put into place everything...

if really...

the things i have in mind...

will continue to be just a dream...

lets complicate things.....

my current lifestyle is this:

living with- grandparents and my mom, with constant visits from cousins, uncles, aunts, pseudo-cousins/uncles/aunts, relatives of all kind, from 1st degree to the nth degree.

working at- a local tertiary hospital with nurses who pretend to be doctors coz most of the time they are better than them  and taking order from doctors who act like nurses because they actually are also registered nurses.

with a bank account- that gets refurbish every other three months.


bills - that gets paid on time because really? who pays the bills?


friends - that don't really care if people are dying of starvation in africa because for one thing, they don't know where that is.

i live in a city- people literally knows everyone. gossip is not served as meals but as junkfoods, you get it everywhere.

fitness for me- is a trip on the gym every other day or less than that if i think the guys i work out with gets more and more obsessed with the mirrors than the training they are actually in.

my weekends are- always a blur because its either i get too much to drink or too much to eat. its only on this days that i get to drink and eat real stuff. they are served to me by friends who wants me happy so in return i can slap them off to reality.

my tivo- is the most abused thing inside my room, it gets played, cried on, shout at and when i get really upset, it gets whipped by a rather overused belt.

my book shelf- is never complete because whenever i buy books, someone kidnaps them. mostly by my mom.

i dont know what i was thinking when i made this entry, i never got the chance to end it. then, i realized i was never meant to blog. im not a writer, im a reader. a passive reader who enjoys lurking over other bloggers page. this maybe my last entry or maybe ill continue to write senseless entry about the life im living and trying to live.

"he was my north, my south, my east, and west; my working week and my sunday rest; my noon,my midnight, my talk, my song; i thought love would last forever, I was wrong."

                                                                                                                  -engr


"i intend to outlive you, ill be the living witness of your life, from the time we met till your last breath."

                                                                                                                  -nurse

sunshine!

       i dont know if youre comfortable being called that name, you never complained. its been two months since coffee bean. i dont know what impression i made but i dont really care. ang importante ngaun e andyan ka pa rin. it may be hard to believe but as i look back then, i dont remember a thing on what we talked about that afternoon. one line i remember you telling me was before we left, it was something like "bat bumili ka pa ng tubig e lalabas na rin naman tayo". its never like me to not remember details but this time i failed. but despite that, i didnt forget what i felt that day. i still feel it today whenever your face pops in my head (which is often). i dont know what happened. maybe you happened. i may never know whats going inside your head but i know whats in mine. it may not make sense but for me its all the sense i need and want right now. i counted the days and i will continue counting.


hugs and kisses.

    there are days when i make excuses to my friends not to be around them and on this particular day im glad i did. i woke up past two hours past noon and i was determined not to hit the showers if not for the constant bugging of my subconcious that it is sunday and i need to hear mass. im that person who dresses up on sundays. semi-formal, long sleeves, black shoes and a hanky. (oo, hindi ako nagdadala ng panyo on regular days). and then the homily started and i felt like the most underdressed person present that night.the priest talked about sainthood. he emphasized that everyone is called to be a saint. and he's explaination on how was quite simple. doctrines, morals and faith. the first was a total blur, the second oftentimes shouts on my me but fails to catch my attention, and third is something my mom never explained to me but my education was kind enough to elaborate.